8:03 a.m. - 2006-02-16
A Deep Blue Funk
Life sure takes some interesting turns. I never understood what married people were talking about when they would say that after being together for so many years they grew apart. Grew in different directions. Didn't know each other any more. I know what they mean now.
We've been married for more than 25 years and have a good life. We've got all the stuff...accompished, outstanding children, a beautiful home, sucessful carreers. Somehow we've lost each other along the way. He's been busy providing for the family. I've been busy making sure everyone has what they need when they need it. We've been so busy talking to everyone else over the years we've never talked to each other.
Last fall I ran us headlong into a marital issue brick wall and now we're crawling along the ground trying to piece it all back together. I guess it speaks to the strength of our relationship, this resolve we have to find the gift I almost threw away. Man, it's hard, though. Really hard. I want to wallow in my grief, self-pity and depression. Sink further into it when I hear him sigh in the night, his fear that I will leave showing in his eyes. Dive into it and smear it all over my body to prove to the world that I know I'm going straight to hell when I die. I hate depression and the grip it holds around my neck.
Thinking from a strengths perspective, though, we are indeed trying. We are talking. We are holding each other. We are getting to know each other again as we are acknowledging middle age and the simple fact that in the next few years all of our children will be off trying to find their own way. My hope is that we'll be able to give ourselves time and space and forgiveness, not for just right now but for later, too.
It's funny that just when you think you know it all you learn that you never stop learning.
